There by the grace of God go I

I live in a cottage on the side of a canal. I have a healing centre and I offer free breaks to cancer patients we have a counselling service and in my spare time I walk my dog in some of the most beautiful places on earth here in Wales.

I like reading tarot, crystals and crafting firepits, camping and laughing with the amazing friends that I have made while I’ve been here Wales.

Does my life sound? perfect I suppose it is.

Because this canal the work that I do is paradise it’s my paradise.

At 55 always been a bit of a rebel I suppose I still am sporting spiky hair shaved sides hippie clothes I’m bare foot most of the time I’m comfortable in my own skin I like who I am.

Believe me that’s taken a while.

So if you saw me if you met me and you knew all this.

What would be your opinion? Would you judge me what would you think as I’ve just said I have the ideal life.

My previous blog talks about the young man That we recently helped he was homeless and was wanted by the police.

Obviously we didn’t know this but it got me thinking about the different paths that we take in our life the choices we make. Because our story, our beginning ultimately paves the way to our destination. Wouldn’t you agree.

Rewind 45 years my story was different I didn’t have the best upbringing and that’s an understatement. I came from an incestuous family alcoholics, sexual physical and mental abuse.

That was my normal.

Yes that’s right normal. Because when you’re brought up being continually treated a certain way you believe that is the way life is.

Everyone must be the same behind closed doors inside all those houses.

It’s only when you get older you start to see the difference and then it’s too late.

Why too late? You’re different and it’s a secret and you can’t tell anyone.

Your the weird kid because their live is so much different than yours.

They could never understand and you don’t want to be different you want to fit.

It’s like a circle a rounder bout you just can’t get off.

I could go into more and horrendous details but that would just be like Scratching old wounds that I’ve worked so hard for a lifetime to nurse and to heal.

Occasionally there is something to remind me A flashback a nightmare a patient in work with a similar story that throws me right back there but my poker face is amazing.

I’m not that scared little girl That rebellious teenager, that fierce single mother anymore.

I’m not a victim.

So I guess the point I’m making is I’m one of the lucky ones.

Somewhere along the path there were signposts .

But despite everything I wouldn’t change a single day if I could go back have a different childhood I wouldn’t.

I know I can see you shaking your head.

What! you say?

the whole thing has been a journey my journey.

If I went back and change things I wouldn’t be sitting here right now in my cabin My sacred space by my cottage near the canal in Wales.

Yes I might have had an equally nice life but I want this one and everything that happened to me in the past has made me exactly who I am today.

I remember my father would call me gunner. Always gonna do this always gonna do that.

He’d tell me if aspire to be nothing but a whore.

For a long time I believed him .

Dispite all of this for as long as I can remember I wanted to live in Wales.

To escape my mother sister had a caravan in North Wales and she take me and my cousin

Once a year just a week but it was amazing there is a beach the chip shop and in Orchard where would climb up trees and I slept at night. I slept well.

So that was my wish I suppose it was cosmic ordering I just didn’t realise it at the time but no matter how bad things got or where my life took me And I can tell you there were some pretty dark places.

I dreamed of a magical place

I was going to live in Wales I was never sure how but I was going to do it.

I also wanted to go to University not sure why because I was never in school when I left home I was pregnant not for the first time.

18 years later I moved to South Wales. It wasn’t plain sailing I had countless disastrous relationships behind me but I was to determined to start new.

I went to University studied psychology human behaviour it fascinated me it still does Why people behave the way they do.

Nature versus nurture

I was hooked.

I carried on studied holistic therapies became a hypnotherapist reiki, reflexology counselling and psychotherapy i got a job working in community mental health I really felt like I was giving something back.

Making a positive difference.

You see one of the main things no matter how you try that sticks with you when you’re brought up in such a dysfunctional family is that needing that wanting to fit wanting a family.

I remember years ago after my mother died and a counsellor said to me there’s no such thing as the waltons every family has its problems and it took awhile to say that she was right.

In 2002 I met a guy whilst out for a drink with my friend he was quiet an unassuming Shy even. We became friends he was different than anyone else I’ve ever met we were opposites but then You know what they say about that so to cut a long Story short eventually we were married

We bought our cottage by the canal. By this time I was working in end of life care and it was a dream of mine to have somewhere anyone with an end of life diagnosis could come for a free break to get away from appointments and just to be themselves three years ago we bought small cottage in our street it was my dream.

That cosmic ordering finally is coming true.

My husband is amazing I dream it he builds it So now we have a beautiful cottage lots of people benefit from it.

A healing cabin And I can honestly say I couldn’t be happier. I finally found that place I fit.

One day I’m going to have a farm no animals but an open space and a bigger Retreat therapy cabin and celebrant services.

I’ve put it out there to the universe

Everything I do is there a reason I’m paying it forward I’m so unbelievably thankful for the journey I have been on.

I’m aware it could have been so very different.

And as I said in my previous blog about the young boy last week who was homeless I can’t ever turn anyone away.

Because truly there by the grace of God god go I .

🙏❤️