The day Sarah Milligan tried to kill me !

So where to begin.

Have you heard of an app called couch to 5k?

I hadn’t.

Until this morning.

A friend of mine popped up on F.B she had been.feeling down had put on weight through lockdown and needed something to motivate herself.

So I read about couch to 5k

Does what it says on the tin.

I down load the app.

Sit with my cup of tea reading what’s involved.

Intermittent brisk walking 90 seconds

Then 60 second run.

Well not a run to start with a jog.

Hmmm I wonder

I live on a canal path.

It’s straight, quiet, I can do that or at least have a go , says that voice in my head that has all the good ideas that usually end in trouble.

I think of shutting it up with a slice of cake.

Too late as I scroll through the app.a little further there is Sarah Milligan smiling at me.

You see you can choose a celebrity who will cheer you on, telling you when to run, slow down and walk and encourage you to keep going.

Anyone that knows me knows I love Sarah she’s my go too comedian to cheer me up.

Plus we have mutual interest in cakes and kittens.

So I press choose Sarah and she tells me we are first going to go for a brisk five min warm up walk.

Off the sofa and proceed to throw all my shoes out of the shoe box looking for a buried pair of £8.00 trainers from Primark .

Pull on my sweatshirt and I’m standing on the tow path ready to go.

I’m might also tell you I’ve never jogged anywhere apart from to my car when it’s raining.

I’m 55 over weight

Recovering from covid and 3 months ago I had minor heart attack.

This fact crosses my mind I decide to focus on the minor..

I’m taking aspirin it’s fine.

My usual footware is walking boots or wellies it’s a tow path in Wales ..

I press start ..

Are you ready asks Sarah

We are going to walk briskly for 5 mins .

So that we speed up your heart rate but you can still hold a conversation.

I wish I’d brought my dog..

Off I go it’s pretty mild for Jan but the mud is something else .

I briskly walking consentrating on my breath and not falling.

Hoping when Sarah tells me to run no one can see me.

Your doing great she tells me your half way through brisk walk.

What… I puff I’m knackered.

Keep going she says and I do.

Through the tunnel and towards the incline up to the canal bridge.

It’s your first run says Sarah it’s on sixty seconds are you ready?

Go…

How is sixty seconds so bloody long when your trying to run wondering where all the flabby slappy bits have come from , not slip in the mud, glance around to ensure no other human can see you AND ALSO REMEMBERING TO BREATHE!

I really am only jogging I’m going to die..

That’s it says Sarah as I slide towards the canal slow down continue to brisk walk for 90 seconds ..

FFS the 90 seconds fly by.

I’m just getting my breath back ..

Your next run says Sarah..

Off i go what the actual f##k am I doing I think the log burners on and there’s a walnut cake in the kitchen ..

Go home ..

Well done say Sarah .

F@@k off I tell her.

I’m listening to a woman with a bigger cake fetish than me who squeezes kittens ..

I’m almost in bloody neath..

Should have definitely brought the dog .

She could have carried a flask of brandy..

Maybe not shes a Chihuahua.

She could have ran for help like lassie..

The only other time a minute lasts this long is when your waiting for washing machine door to open.

Ding ding …

A bell rings in my head phones

Your half way there Sarah tells me well done ..

Get ready for your next run 60 secs you can do it.

F@@k off Sarah if you could see me you’d be bringing me cake a brew and dialing an ambulance .

Emergency which service please?

Ambulance please with tea and cake overweight 55 year old woman with possible tourettes and shit trainers covered in mud swearing at imaginary friend called Sarah muttering about washing machine doors and kittens.

Come Sarah cheers me on.

Can you be in a coma when your still.up right I wonder as one of my boobs escape from my non sporty bra.

There is the tunnel I’m almost back in the street.

I can see the light at the end

Or is it a near death experience either way I’m going home and there will be cake!

An old couple stand to the side of the path as I’m puffing my way through my final brisk walk.

Lovely day he says at least it’s stayed dry…

I’m gripping my phone in my hand as I slip in the mud skidding towards them and the two metre rule goes into the canal .

As I grab the kidding gate looking lovingly at the little terrace of cottages ..

Well done says Sarah

Always have a days rest in-between runs

I’ll see you next time..

Not unless there is cake involved Sarah and your waiting personally at finish line with a kitten.

Kettles on.

No more bright ideas .

4 thoughts on “The day Sarah Milligan tried to kill me !

  1. Hahaha…Brilliant 🙂 Listen, if god had meant for us to run, he’d have made us cheetahs. That was a fab read and I could picture you every step (well canter) of the way. 😉 x

    Like

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