My random girl you are everywhere.Reminders that you’ve left this earthly plane.The cranes on the marina I smile as I hear you sayI hate those cranes why are they pointing this way.I miss you random girl.I drive past Sainsbury’s memories flash like cine filmI hear you beside meI’ll be sitting by the window hurry up I’ve got you a cup of teaI smile to myselfSimple but still .I miss youSinging badly in the carStick throwing for honey never went farWind street the scene of many mad nights out.Transparent vodka as you danced aboutChickoland and queing for taxis in the cold night airOr summer nights sat on huge picnic tables with nutty Russians your favourite cocktail.Pink blaring you knew every word.If someone said three years from now you’d be long gone..I miss youRandom text messages.Can you guess what letter it begins with.Long black hair cheeky smile.Knob was a term of endearment.I miss youThe days of champers and the king’s on the high streetFoam party’s at H2OLong beach walks.Flip flop shoppingDog walkingPainted toe nailsI miss youRandom facts like you loved coffee in take away cups.Drawing in the sand.Walking barefoot on the bay.Writing out names watching the sea wash them away.I miss youSitting on the wall at Barry eating chips.Remos at sunset collecting shellsSand in my car.Pebbles in the glove boxBreakfast at vees cafe.I miss youWatching full moons riseWishing the world would go away.Holidays in the sunWalking on different beaches.Singing and having funDid I say I miss you?Memories of songsWind in our hair boat trips on open seas.Sam Smith sang black and goldYou lay with your head upon my kneeWarm sun kissed skinTime flew by days turned into yearsChildren grew families intertwinedWe were going to be nannies togetherHow could fate be so unkind.Although we knew that time together was running out fast.We packed in so many memories I replay them each day that goes past.I speak of you oftenI talk to you stillI loved you my random girl and know I always will ❤️I miss youI miss meI miss usIf someone said three years from now you’d be long gone..Who knew
I hate you grief.
Your cruel and uncaring.
It’s almost a year.
Eight more days.
You’ve poked at me this week.
Reminded me constantly.
I know how long it is since I lost her.
Since I lay beside her.
I have had our grand daughter today.
I brush her hair and sing nursery rhymes
Telling her of her two nanny’s adventures.
She goes home with her dad and I get in my car and head out in the rain.
I’m meeting friends in the next village.
Your there waiting as I pass the old colliery
Hunched craftily waiting in the shadow of the derilict pit head.
Like one of those police sting traps thown infront of my car covered in nails
You make me stop my car and pull over.
I can’t breathe.
There is a screaming a howl from the depths of my soul.
Almost 365 days
It’s raining .
Pouring the mist covers the mountain tops like grey cotton wool.
Like the storm on the bay the day you left my arms.
I miss you.
I sob into the air of this dimension knowing you hear me on the astral.
Not one of my family has ever asked how I am.
Don’t they know that
I’m lonely without you
That I miss you every minute of every day.
For fucks sake I shout
Everyone always thought that I was the strong one
They were wrong
My strength was you Donna.
The rain runs down my windscreen cars wizz past the layby.
Get a grip I tell myself
Grief flows like the rain
As it turns to drizzle
I catch my breath.
Please stop for just awhile .
I dry my eyes as I breathe in i catch my breath as I smell your perfume
Beside me you are always thee at my side.
I take a deep breath and keep going.
It’s the only option I have.
I know what the books and therapists say about flashbacks
I don’t disagree.
Every theory is valid in its own way.
But spiritually I look for lessons in everything.
So I try to make some sort of sense of everything.
The flash backs started Donna when you left.
Trauma they say .
I know that and I can hear you singing beautiful Trauma by Pink to me.
So I decided to ask for help.
Nhs Oçcy health was my starting point.
It couldn’t hurt could it?
Making an appointment to see a counselor?
I could always change my mind.
I almost did first appointment as I drove up to Singleton hospital I was tempted to drive past keep going to the mumbles to sit on that rock you liked by the sea.
I could people watch maybe?
I was too early sat in the car.
What are you doing I asked myself get a grip I need coffee.
I walked up stairs thinking about the last time I was here in that corridor was with you
Going for a scan 7.30pm
You laughed as you sat in hospital gown it was on back to front bloody exhibitionist 🤣
Should be in the cross keys not sat here it’s 2 for 1 cocktails
Nutty Russian I could just drink one now if my liver wasn’t fucked you laughed just as they shouted your name.
I squeezed your hand three times .
Me to you said.
I smile at the woman now typing I’m here to.see Adrian I say
Take a seat I pour myself a water wishing it was a large gin and t and look at the door.
A smiley man steps out of the office and before I know it I’m sat in a tiny room that really could be a large cupboard
It smells like burnt fish fingers it’s really hot and I’m menopausal. The fan is crap
I’m babbling and apologizing.
He asks be the standard how do you feel questions on scale of 1-5. There isn’t a question that asks where are you at moment if there were I’d tell him im completely lost.
He’s a nice guy. Genuine I hear you beside me.
Tell him . It’s okay.
And so I do.
I tell him everything I think if I say it all at once it’s out there.
Floating about the universe.
He can start to help me pick up the pieces
Or section me 🤣
Mental health workers are shit at talking about their own shit. Or is that just me.?
He listens and we agree on a plan
You’d like him Donna
I’ve seen him three times now.
Its helping I feel safe
He asked me today what would I say to my father’s voice
I didn’t really know.
But it’s given me something to think.about
I’d tell him that nothing he has ever said will break me.
That everything that Donna held for me hadn’t died with her I have trusted someone else.
I don’t have secrets.
I’d tell him im sometimes sad that he didn’t get to know me.
That I accept all the things I wanted he wasn’t capable of giving me.
He didn’t know how
I’d tell him that’s okay.
I’d ask him to stop shouting
Stop being angry
That I hope next time around he has a better life.
That I send him healing.
That I remember good things like him holding the back of the old blue bike saddle teaching me to ride a bike .
I remember crying because a black bird was stuck in a bramble bush and begging him to save it.
Watching him push his arm in holding the frightened bird then letting it go
Scratches and blood
As we walked home he told me that the bird had gone to tell.all it’s friends it had been saved because of me.
I’d tell him that no matter how hard life is it is always beautiful.
That I wouldn’t change a day.
That I’m so blessed in my little cottage by the water in Wales kids geese ducks dog cat and a man I love.
This is my paradise.
I’d ask him if he remembered me saying I’d live in Wales one day when I was a kid.
He would call me Gunner…
Because I was always Gunner do this or that.
Power of positive thought.
The universe listens
Expect amazing and get amazing.
Dad that’s what I’d tell you
So I can’t listen to your negativity.
It no longer serves me.
I’ve been so very tiered
But I’m.getting there
Yes Donna as bloody usual.you were right I needed someone in my corner someone with the right words
I’ll get there . I’m too bloody stubborn not too.
I’d sign my letter wishing you love healing and light.
Because you taught me Donna that’s all there is.
There is nothing else
Only love ❤️
So as most of you know I live in a little canalside cottage nothing posh just two up two down on a tow path in South Wales.
I also have another cottage on the terrace Ravens Retreat.
Where as a soul midwife I provide respite free Therapies and breaks for cancer patients or anyone with life limiting condition.
We are slowly rebuilding the retreat after we were hit by storm Callum in Sept 2018 most of the terrace was flooded by sewerage it was a challenging time to say the least.
My hubby Jeff has been beyond amazing he is a jack of all trades and has self leveled floors, tiled bathroom fitted a shower room.
He’s almost finished tiling kitchen and living room
Fitted a new kitchen aquired from Facebook marketplace.
We are doing all this on a shoe string
We have had a cabin built (our healing hive ) on the land behind the retreat and are also trying to get this up and running insulated electrics flooring fencing the list is endless
And as I’ve been off work for a year on half pay I have really been holding out my hands to the universe and trusting we can get things finished.
Offering free Therapies to cancer patients. Holding healing clinics Reiki, Omni, and Soul Connection healing workshops teaching reiki to community
I know this work Is so very important people need to be treated holistically.
This is my service to the community a way of me giving back. A thank you for leading me to this beautiful place.
This post is about just that giving back and paying forward.
I always believe that people are for the best part good
And what you put out there you get back.
That’s what storm Callum has taught me.
This tiny street in South Wales is a community
Very commune like.
We all pulled together. We baled water, carried furniture, cleaned each other’s houses supporting each other in any way possible.
I cooked for the street my son made flood gates my hubby helped anyone and everyone. Reporters came and went we we’re on T.V for the weekend then people forgot.
Or did they.
Friends and neighbors are now closer
People come and gift me time in return for Therapies or healing or perhaps lunch.
Fab electrician had helped wire the cabin, my friend Han from work helped dig out old trees and clear garden. My son, daughter and daughter in love helped clean and grout tiles
Zoe and Ross helped clear up after cabin was erected
My grand daughter Tamika pushed wheel barrows full of garden rubbish.
Out neighbor Paul plastered the bathroom ceiling.
The twins next door brought food when Jeff was working.
My friend Sharon very kindly lent us a digger! How awesome I’ve been truly overwhelmed with kindness I’m truly blessed.
Last week I had a phone call from a lovely guy Chris who wanted to know more about what we we’re doing having heard about us from a mutual.friend
He visited and from minute I opened the door I knew we were destined to be friends.
Today he came over and painted fences helped Jeff out then had Sunday lunch with me and my family.
I guess what I’m telling you is there is a positive in every situation no matter how bad things are
Our little retreat was a lovely little cottage before the flood but we had made do and mended with what we had.
The flood pulled our little street together into a fabulous commune it pushed us to do work that we couldn’t really afford but somehow we’ve done it.
We now have that all important healing space I so desperately needed. A shower room that will make things much easier for wheel chair users or guests with dogs!
Most of all I have met some of the most amazing people who gave us the gift of time and true genuine friendship .
That to me is priceless.
So when life gets hard remember hold out your hands and trust the universe.
It may be hard but it is always beautiful.
So if your passing through neath valley south Wales
Come take a walk down Canalside drop in say hi.
A liminal magical place
My family ❤️
For those who don’t know me. I run Ravens Retreat a Canalside cottage in South Wales.
We provide breaks for anyone with a end of life or Cancer diagnosis.
Also free Therapies for cancer patients.
Counseling, C.B.T. hypnotherapy, Reiki Healing, Omni Healing,
Swedish massage, hot stone massage,
Reflexology and much more.
We teach reiki meditation and past life regression.
We have a list of wonderful Therapists who will visit our clients if they can’t get to us.
We also run death cafes tea cake and chat.
Poetry and writing workshops.
We gave just had a beautiful cabin built at the back of the retreat that will when finished be our dedicated healing space
But need to raise funds to make it into a warm comfortable cozy space where you can forget about the world outside.
As we are non profit c i.c company we rely on grants and donations to pay our Therapists and fund improvments to our service
So we now have a just giving page
Please share information about us to anyone who might benefit.
Here is our just giving link
Thanks and blessings.