This poem was inspired by a blogger friend here on word press you know who you are.
You have got this.
I’m waiting for you in the place of new beginnings.
Nan you were 4ft 5 made of dynamite.
Orange lipstick to match your orange head scarf.
Long grey hair I loved to brush.
I’d open your letter box and shout.
Jesus Mary and bloody Joseph you’d reply
As you hurried down the hall.
Pretending to be angry
Yet again I wasn’t at school.
Thick cut bread and thick pea soup
Old biscuit tins with buttons in one photos in another.
Stories told of my grandfather
You never loved another.
Giving me a big jug and sending me off to the ‘out door’
At the flying horse pub
Filling it with stout was the score.
Cover it with a tea towel
And slowly walking carefully back.
Little sips of stout and a bag of crisps
Before we hit the sack
Get up them apples and pears you’d shout
As the stone hot water bottle was carried up
Id snuggle into bed beside you
A torch to read my book
Shadows on bare plaster walls
Shining lamp post outside your house
Morning woken by the kettles whistle
Smell of hot buttered toast
Radio on kitchen window
Milk left at the door
Life so simple at your house Nan
There will be blue birds over the White cliffs of Dover you’d sing with Vera Lynne. Smiling at me.
I really hope so I’d think.
Sunday afternoon a loud rattle and clang as my dad fell drunkenly over the rubbish bin.
I was shook back into reality from my night away.
From the madness of my parents
Nan would hug me tell me it would be okay.
There were no blue birds over our house
Only monsters in shadows that would lurk about.
No hot water bottle or hugs in nans bed.
As dad lay on the floor and vomited or fought in the street
I’d run and hide in the old garden shed
Living in our house was existing in a night mare
Selfish drunken narcesists who are incapable of care
The only glimmer of hope would be a afternoon with nan
I’d run across town to see her as often as I can
Escaping drunken monsters was life’s childhood game
Planning my escape from this hell to find shelter from the rain
But living in a different world isn’t as easy as it may seem
You have learnt all you know from your disfunctional tag team.
Your family life is engrained into your very soul.
The journey to unwind all the abuse damage is a long long walk alone.
A pilgrimage a baptism of more learning to begin to make you whole.
There were so many parts missing from the jigsaw puzzle of life I couldn’t see.
I’d filled the missing pieces with sadness, fear and anger
A new journey of self descovery
Battle armour was the only thing to wear
I’d encounter memories and demons as I walked from here to there.
I had a choice to make a victim or survivor would I be?
Sounds a simple choice but what I didn’t see.
Was self care and self love weren’t something I knew how to do.
If you don’t love yourself how is anyone else expected to?
Like being a child there were times I’d still run away.
Like a moth flying hypnotically to a flame my self distruct would come into play.
Gradually learning to love the spark inside that was me..
Learning to trust
Finding my voice
Accepting I was now free.
For I am a warrior I am a mother I am a friend.
I have put down roots I see the beauty in life
So is this the end.
Of my journey it’s just the beginning a place of wonder of learning of love and magic this place was visualised by me.
If you are on the same journey know im patiently waiting here for you
If I can get here I promise that you can too.
I hear you nan in the distance the words of your song were part of my key.
There will be blue birds over the White cliffs of Dover
My darling just you wait and see.